Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
You Might Also Like
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
It’s an epidemic…
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.