A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.