Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
the short answer to this question
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.