[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?