When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I believe the plural is “milves.”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Not today. 😅
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone