When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…