them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
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Ape together strong
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.