I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Peace was never an option
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
fair
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Got him!
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby