*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
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Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Me trying to reach for my goals
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Where is your GOD now????
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL