Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
You Might Also Like
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret