My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
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TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.