If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people