My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.