Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
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I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?