Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
You Might Also Like
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
How to draw a duck
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?