I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Cake safety first. Always.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING