I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.