My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
we all know this pain all too well
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.