did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
thanks auntie mary
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.