Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
finally
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.