My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!