Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
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[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?