Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
You Might Also Like
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.