What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
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Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶