Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
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Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Every BBC series about the universe.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Time for evil
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”