[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
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[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.