If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I told my vodka about you.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*