alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
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Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”