I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family