If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming