Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.