Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Yup!
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you