Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!