Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
You Might Also Like
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*