[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Thinking about Jeff
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing