launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Lol.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet