I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
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*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask