At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*