My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
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Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.