Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
こいつ天才
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.