There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills