Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
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He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.