Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
my professor scared me for a second