My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
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Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
What kind of a cult is this?
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
be careful
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick