At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
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When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
listen closely
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating