*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
You Might Also Like
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My therapist after every session
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.