Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool