What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
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I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!