MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.