texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Ha.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.